The paperless office needs a paperless toilet

While wandering the industrial section of Issaquah’s Costco last February, I saw this product on the shelf:

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Naturally, a $500 toilet seat with a remote control piqued my curiosity. I spent a few minutes poring over the outside of the box trying to understand what function it serves.  The box’s messaging didn’t resonate:

• Easy to use – Toilet seats have a pretty straightforward user interface: raise the seat if and only if you’re going to pee standing up.  Otherwise, leave the seat down.   It was amusing that they would fomplicate it buy adding a handheld control.
• Germ resistant – This one was especially funny because I had recently re-watched the Mythbusters episode where they tested germiness of various things.  The conclusion: toilet seats were far less germy than kitchen sponges or remote controls … like the one that this device comes with.
• Friendly to the environment –  At this point, I tuned out at the attempt at eco-guilt.

I forgot about the IntelliSeat until today, when I was in Costco to buy a cube of printer paper.  What do I see at the end of the aisle?  The IntelliSeat!  Despite the premium placement, its marketing is unchanged.  Savor the vendor’s web site:

IntelliSeat, is one of AMDM’s featured innovations, and after one use you will understand why it is the premiere electronic toilet seat on the market today. Intelliseat is a germ resistant electronic toilet seat that is easy to use and friendly to the environment. Intelliseat also offers a stylish design and a multi-function zzzzzzzzzzaewt;lweasd’asdf

I’m sorry, I fell asleep while pasting that blurb into my blog editor.

Their FAQ is rather bizarre.  For example, consider question #9:

How to you operate the Intelliseat?

Simply turn it on and let the comfort begin.

The first thought that popped into my head: Um… are they talking about the same product?  FAQ #10 is almost as weird, especially the placement of air quotes:

Can the Intelliseat be used by children, elderly, and handicapped?

Yes. Children will love the “fun” of using the Intelliseat and the elderly with limited mobility will relish in the fact that they simply need to stay in one position.

I finally downloaded the manual and finally get it: IntelliSeat is a way to retrofit the standard, North American commode with a bidet.  This could be a godsend for mobility-impaired people or those with hemorrhoids. Why couldn’t they just say that?

Wikihow even offers clear instructions.